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- For Love & Money is a Business Insider column answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a parent must decide how much money to leave to two children.
- Our columnist says that even if they have animosity towards a child, they should still treat it with love.
- Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear for love and money,
I’m updating my will. My retirement account contains several hundred thousand dollars (varies depending on my needs as I get older). I paid off my modest house and live modestly.
I set up small trusts for two grandchildren, but I have two kids who hate each other. One of them has been clean for five years after dealing with substance abuse for 20 years, taking years off my life, and they live with me now. My other child benefited from my ex-husband and his business. This kid got millions in company stock.
My other child has done nothing to help me and rarely acknowledges me other than calling me his sibling. However, they requested a bequest in my will.
My child who lives with me will not inherit anything from his father as punishment for past sins. They have complex health problems, including traumatic brain injury. They are single parents, working menial jobs to support their child while helping to maintain my home. They live with me for free, I am the parent of their child and provide transportation for all their needs.
I love my children, but I don’t necessarily always like them. I hate my situation but I want to do what is right. what should i do
Sincerely,
A frustrated parent
Dear Disappointed,
In recent issues of For Love & Money, I’ve responded to letters from grown children whose parents have highlighted their status as the black sheep of their estate plan. I love your letter because it shows that there is always another side to the story. We all feel that our choices are fair, or at least justified, which is why we make them in the first place. That’s why it’s important to lead with compassionate curiosity.
I would like to start there myself. As a mother of young children, future addiction is one of my biggest fears. You have survived this nightmare. I imagine you have struggled and prayed; you spent a lot of money and sat in a lot of hospital rooms. You had years of sleepless nights and finally something worked. They became clean and stayed that way for five years.
Your child made it through, but some wounds are so deep that they leave scars. Scars that look like a father who cut his child out of a will, broken relationships with siblings, lifelong medical issues, and a mother who will do anything to keep the other shoe from dropping.
Despite what your ex-spouse and other child may say, you are not empowering your child by continuing to help him. You help them stay clean and help your grandchildren have the life they deserve. Your child was drowning and you let him get on your raft.
But you have two children.
There are only a few hills I’m willing to die on, and one will always be that parents owe their children unconditional love. Point. No one else in the world owes them that. No spouse, sibling, friend or even their children are required to love them unconditionally. But when you have a child, you make a commitment – yes, I am bringing a human being into this scary world, but only because I promise that they will always have my love to protect them.
You’re right, love and liking are different emotions, and it doesn’t sound like your child has been trying to be likable in recent years. Looking at the timeline of your story though, I think I might know why. You mentioned that your child has struggled with addiction for 20 years, which, when you add in the years of sobriety, means that it has destroyed your family for decades.
Your ex-husband has focused his attention and care on one child and you on the other. In turn, the siblings “hate” each other. You mentioned how your child’s addiction issues took years out of your life, but your larger family dynamic tells me that it also broke your family in half.
Imagine how your other child felt during this meltdown. My guess is abandoned and ignored. At best, held like a fragile poster child for their unfortunate sibling, and at worst, forgotten in the constant drama of rehabs, hospital stays, and sleepless nights. You said the only time they talk to you is to scold you about their brother or sister; that sounds to me like they are mad at you and want you to know why.
That doesn’t mean you have to appease them by abandoning your other child, financially or otherwise. But you have to admit that while love and liking are different emotions, those who receive them experience them exactly the same. One of your children needs money. The other does not. But they both need and deserve your love.
There are ways to honor both of your children. Keep doing what you are doing for the child who lives with you. Understanding their financial needs will likely outlive you, plan for this in practical ways, such as making them the beneficiary of your life insurance and leaving them the house you both live in. Setting up trusts for their children was a prime example of this. By eliminating things like future tuition fees and wedding expenses, you’ve set them up for financial independence even when you’re gone.
Your other child has millions in company stock, which means giving them half of whatever’s left in your retirement account is little more than a gesture, but no matter how they treat you, it’s a gesture they will appreciate. It’s a last-ditch way of saying, “I know I spent most of my time, emotional energy, and resources on your sibling. To save their lives I would do it again and I would do the same for you if you needed me. But you never did.
I support you
For love and money
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