I became a mother for the first time at the age of 43 after six painful years of infertility and miscarriages, including three years of IVF cycles. My doctor assured me that I am actually young for infertility treatment in New York where I live. But by everything else and everywhere else I was “old”.
As a New Yorker, I didn’t feel the urge to settle down until my 30s. I met my boyfriend at 31. We walked around town and enjoyed our lives and each other’s lives before getting married half a decade later. I wanted to be a mother someday, but it never occurred to me that it could happen in one age i will be labeled “geriatric” by medical professionals.
It’s a disappointing term given that more people than ever are having babies in their 40s. According to CDC databirth rates have risen 4% among those 40-44 since 2021, and births among those 45 and older have increased 12% since 2015.
This increase in older mothers is attributed to several things, including prioritizing higher education, careers, and financial concerns related to childcare costs. I didn’t plan on being an “old mom,” but now that I am, I’ve discovered that there are many benefits to having a baby later in life.
I had more time to develop self-confidence
People often say that having a baby provides satisfaction. But in my long journey to have one, I’ve learned that finding purpose within yourself first is more important. Infertility is comprehensive. I had cultivated a strong sense of existence, but infertility initially made me question everything about my identity. Over time, I’ve learned that finding fulfillment in other areas of my life is imperative—for my sanity and the will to keep moving through the process.
Some outlets where I found it were swimming, watching horror movies and thrillersand especially writing. These things helped me regain some of my confidence that I thought I had lost.
Self-reliance is an important trait for a child to learn, and while I wouldn’t wish fertility problems on anyone, experiencing them helped me develop the resilience needed to raising my daughter. It was part of my growth as a whole person and taught me to believe in something bigger than myself.
I spent a decade prioritizing my social life and no longer worry about missing out
In my 20s I traveled to South America, Italy, Spain and other countries countless girls trips. I spent a decade single, prioritizing my style and social life. In my 30s, I enjoyed being a devoted girlfriend in a loving, adult relationship. Nights out, vacations, and many dinners were reserved for watching horror movies with our Goldendoodle.
Now my husband and I spend most nights on the couch with our 3 month old. Not only am I not afraid to miss out, but I’ve never felt more at home, literally and figuratively. Usually, the greater number of years on Earth is accompanied by the ability to find contentment in silence.
Being an older mom means I have more wisdom to offer
Becoming a mother later in life it can come with shame. Yes, I may have a little less energy to run after her, and yes, I will be 61 by her high school graduation (which still isn’t very old). I’m sure there’s no shortage of people who would jump to remind me of these things if I asked for their opinion. As an older mom, I may have less agility, but I also have the benefit of more life experience.
I’m definitely wiser now than I was 10 years ago. I experienced loss, love and maturity. I nurtured myself as well as my partner, and during that time I acquired certain instincts and traits that will undoubtedly make me a better mother today than I would be at 33.
Everything I’ve been through—losing my own mother at 29, learning how to have a successful marriage, and pursuing infertility treatments even when it seemed hopeless—allowed me to have a certain level of confidence. Parenting sometimes involves feelings of doubt or unworthiness. It also includes selflessness, a trait more attainable after you’ve lived long enough to focus on your own advancement.
I don’t identify solely as a mother, but after spending 43 years learning about myself, I’m more excited to spend the next chapter discovering and nurturing someone else.